Whether you're in intimate relationship with other/s or not, you're always in relationship with yourself (all the wonderful and often conflicting parts)... AND...
... as a human, you're relationships will involve feeling stuff!
Of all of my core feelings, Anger is the one that has created the most clarity and safety in my relationships through:
By inviting Anger IN. By being curious. By being willing see Anger for what it is beyond what our past experiences and cultural stories have imprinted upon it.
Becoming intimate with Anger means inviting in the flavour of life-force energy that is your aliveness, clarity, solidity, strength and structure (it's good for ya bones). It's like having a solid bedframe that provides structure for you to lay back in and feel safe and held.
If you're interested in learning more and experiencing the healthy, functional and enlivening energy of Anger moving safely through your body check out our Anger trainings under the 'Workshops & Trainings' tab.
The more people becoming intimate the better the world will be!!
Listening to the subtle wisdom that whispers through the magical vessel of your body is almost impossible at first.
Decades of programing that has trained you to be nice, polite and kind to others has also taught you to ignore, push aside and abandon your-self.
Your desire to be loved, belong and feel safe has created a vault in which your longings, your objections, your cravings, your clarity, your intuition, your impulses and your aliveness has been locked away so as to not rock the boat that holds and houses you.
And after some time, be it weeks, years or decades there is no more room in the vault. So you go about building a bigger vault, with stronger walls, thicker chains and bigger padlocks.
You become tired, exhausted even, spending so much time and energy maintaining your vault. You feel engorged inside as it takes up more and more space and eventually it seems there is no room to move.
And then it happens. As you open the lid just a sliver to shove in yet one more small, seemingly insignificant impulse, the vault explodes.
For a moment, until you manage to force the lid closed once again, a torrent of sadness flows, volcanic rage erupts, fear tremors... like a unexpected and uninvited earthquake through your tender body.
It is terrifying. You'd forgotten what you'd put in that vault, or that it even existed. Until now. And you realise that you've been numb for years or maybe decades to the possibilities that lay dormant within.
You begin to remember that a long long time ago you chose to hide your true self away in the name of safety... and now realise is was not 'safe' at all.
As you take a closer look you begin to see that the vault is powerful beyond your mind's belief. It is in fact not a vault at all, but a treasure chest. A place where you've hidden your most valuable riches that were too bright, too unsafe, too much in contrast to a culture that hasn't learnt how to feel, and sense and listen to the subtle wisdom of its human bodies.
It seems scary at first, to look inside. There is soooo much in there that it can appear toooo big to let out. Something in you knows it will be worth it. Even though it may take time... and will... and courage... a life-force like you've never known before is waiting. All you need to do is commit to stepping (one step at a time) into the unknown and trust the gifts that these treasures have to offer.
As your curiosity draws you to look inside, you will be called to create and lean in to new spaces and friends and cultures even, within which to express and release your treasures from your chest.
And they will be wild, and unruly and even crazy at first. And they will need these new spaces and new friends and new cultures to hold them as they spill out.... Let them be. They have been locked in that tight dark chest for way too long.
Open your chest and let the treasure pour out.
What you will most likely discover in the process, is that your permission to release your treasures, over time, is in itself, the revealing of a new story where safety and love and belonging emerges from within.
And once the big rains pour and the storms roll through and the earthquakes shake you to your core... the seas will calm and you you will have infinite space within for all of your longings, your objections, your cravings, your clarity, your intuition, your impulses and your aliveness that were once locked away, to flow through... to be seen... to be valued... to be heard... to be loved... most importantly, by you.
And in the spaciousness of being you, you attune to the Subtle Sensory Wisdom that is speaking through you in every breathing moment. Guided by all that is... you.
"If you are not feeling [and utilising] conscious Fear, you are not creating."
Alongside the Magician, the Creator is another of the archetypes that emerge from field of Fear.
It may sound like an absurd statement to the mind that has learned, from an insanely unhealthy society, that Fear is something to be avoided.
Have you ever had an experience where you were asked to give an unscripted speech, to share your opinion on something without any time to prepare, or maybe to make up a bedtime story on the spot for a child?
Did you notice that moment when Fear appears at the idea of not knowing... and then doing something anyway.
This isn't an exercise in avoiding Fear or doing something despite of Fear.
That Fear you just felt is what helps you to take that step into the unknown and pull something out of nothing.
"In order to make something out of nothing, the Creator must first have access to nothing as a resource.
To attain nothing the Creator steps over the limits of the Box [the stories and beliefs that we 'know'] into the unknown.
This is definitely frightening, and the Creator has learned to feel 100% maximum of his or her Fear and to still function."
Our bodies are designed to feel 100% of each of our core feelings. Doing so gives you access to an epic amount of information and energy.
Our culture, to date, has been designed to help us to devalue and numb feelings in favour of the Box.
Now is the time to create a new culture where the full spectrum of human capabilities and resources are valued and activated.
Who do you want to be?
The Creator who uses Fear to navigate pretty much ANY situation or the Prisoner who uses Fear to avoid anything that it doesn't already know?
[Quoted sentences are adapted from Possibility Management's Distinctionary]
Some say that it is important to hit rock bottom.
To travel deep down to the depths of our grief, our anger and our fears.
If we don't hit the bottom we don't have any solid foundations from which to push up from as we begin to enact the much needed change that has been longing to be seen and engaged for what can feel like an eternity.
Hitting the bottom does not mean defeat for as soon as your toe makes first contact with the solid floor that is 'rock bottom' a relief washes over.
You have landed from the state of falling.
You have made contact with the solid foundation that was there holding you all along.
You can feel your feet on the ground and there you can rest... for a moment... or while... until you are ready to push off and begin to rise...
As there is no where else to go but up from here...
The time has come..
For some time now I've had the visual of my life force energy being made up of 4 streams of energy that all intertwine.
Not mixed together...
Each stream clear in and of itself... while also in a dance with each other.
Each stream having a different flavour, sense, colour and purpose. This purpose being its gifts that are stronger when they are all in flow together.
Like a 4 wire electrical cable or a musical score made up of 4 different tracks.
Each track being music of it's own yet when played altogether, creating a magical symphony that is greater than the sum of its parts.
I love the idea that when our energy is in flow we all are dancing through life to our own unique musical track.
Access to the track is dependent on if there is flow or blocks in each stream of energy.
These streams of energy are our 4 core feelings; Anger, Sadness, Fear and Joy.
In their pure form they have and abundance of magical gifts.
The main ones being Clarity, Connection, Intuition and Magnetic Leadership however there are ALOT more.
When we halt the flow of energy due to cultural stories that tell us these energies are dangerous, disruptive, weak and attention seeking we halt our access to these gifts.
Similar to when Brene Brown says that we can't simply isolate and numb one feeling without numbing them all to some extent.
When the energetic flow of feeling that holds valuable information is squashed it builds up like a dam creating emotional pressure and often physical pain.
And one day, when the dam get's too full for it's container, (your body) it will erupt, overflow, explode, burst out.
You may have experienced what I'm talking about.
You have a choice to take responsibility for your internal dams by creating space to release them safely before they spew out all over someone you love.
Get in touch with us if you'd like to find out more about how you can create space for this in your life.
Trusting is the ultimate surrender into the unknown mystery of life. The willingness to lean in, to take a leap, to let go... to not know.
This kind of active surrender requires a healthy and intimate relationship to Fear.
As Fear is THE core Feeling that keeps you attuned to your environment – both inner and outer – providing you a continual stream of signals as to how best to stay in connection… with life.
The potency of this brave act has become lost however on someone or something outside of us.
We place trust in other, in religion, in marriage, even in insurance companies... that they will do the 'right' thing by us. We buy in to these ‘insurance’ contracts to reduce our Fear of what might happen.
In essence, these contracts numb us to feeling and sensing the gifts of true Fear and its vital purpose in our lives.
What if having a deeply embedded relationship with Fear is the ultimate life insurance?
Trust, through the gift of Fear, is an inside job.
You can trust in someone or something as much as you want, however, if they then go and 'do' something that goes against your expectations or desires it can be easy to tell yourself the story that I can't trust them.
If you live your life expecting others to go about their lives in a way that is trust ‘worthy’ for you then you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.
We’re human! We see life through our own personal lens. Others see life through theirs.
It’s almost idiotic to expect that others will do everything in a way that that will be worthy of your trust.
What’s really going on when you want others to be trust ‘worthy’ is a desire for them to act in a way that doesn’t trigger you, that doesn’t disappoint you, that doesn’t connect you to your core feelings.
Thing is that your Feelings are the very information that you need to navigate the unknown of life.
Your Feelings are your own internal compass.
Sure, you can ask for what you want. You can give feedback about your experience. You can set boundaries. You can make agreements. But these will never guarantee your safety.
Life is always shifting and changing; a constant stream of energy that is in-formation.
The resting place of trust is within YOU and your willingness to let Fear be the humble servant, the all seeing eyes that constantly inform you.
So ask yourself this question…
'Can I trust myself enough to be able to respond, rather than react, to any situation or experience I encounter?’
If someone breaks an agreement with you, can you trust yourself to compassionately inquire about their experience rather than jumping to irrational conclusions about why they did what they did?
Can you trust that you have the capacity to speak up, to have the difficult conversations, to invite more clarity, to take responsibility for what’s yours and support others to see their blind spots so that we may all remain in connection with each other, ourselves and with life?
If I place my trust in something outside of me then I’m giving it my authority and power to respond.
People you love will make mistakes. You will make mistakes. We are all humans discovering how to navigate our way through life with the tools and skills that we have.
So instead, check in with yourself…
Do you have the skills to remain centered when things get tough?
Do you understand the purpose of your Feelings and how they are different to Emotional energy?
Are you aware of what’s going on when you, or someone you love, gets triggered?
Can you see how your personal upbringing, family life, culture has contributed to the beliefs that you hold on to and how others’ hold different beliefs… that direct different actions to you?
Trust is an inside job.
It is your capacity to trust yourself to have your own back NO MATTER WHAT is happening around you or inside of you. To be connected to the ever changing flow of life.
In any given moment you can never really know what is going to happen so becoming a ninja in the art of traversing the unknown is your best hope of creating a life that feels safe, nourishing, connected and alive.
It is up to you to choose if someone else’s mistake breaks your trust or provides you with an opportunity to come more deeply into connection with them, to understand a perspective that may be different to yours and to strengthen your trust in yourself even more.
In love and trust.
Fear is not your enemy. Trying to steer away from it is fatal.
With emotional Fear you can certainly freeze, flee or fight... however...
With pure Fear you can fly.
You can become the panicked Rescuer or the attuned Magician.
It's your choice.
If you ignore Fear's gifts you're just pushing down life force energy and from there it has to go somewhere.
So it comes out in unconscious panicked fuelled actions from a place of not knowing. Often doing 'what the others are doing' because it seems even scarier to enter the territory of 'not knowing'.
When you begin to own that you don't know, the relevant action is to stop the doing... and begin to sense the information that exists beyond the confines of your mind.
Looking for answers in what can only be mentally perceived is cutting off three quarters of the information that is available to you... RIGHT NOW.
When we do this we go into fixing mode, the favourite pastime of the Rescuer, sifting through the mental archives looking for new solutions that don't live there.
In his book 'The Gift of Fear', Gavin de Becker says:
“True fear is a gift that signals us in the presence of danger; thus, it will be based upon something you perceive in your environment or your circumstance. Unwarranted fear or worry will always be based upon something in your imagination or your memory.”
Imagination or memories are generated from and stored in the mind. The word imagine is to form a metal image of something.
From all the work I've done in the realm of feelings & emotions I have a deep sense of the signals that Fear brings, if I choose to listen and allow pure Fear to be part of my toolkit.
Danger however (as referred to in the quote) is quite a loaded word and I want to unpack that a little... this is important.
Danger is often viewed as life threatening in the context of physical, mental, emotional, spiritual & environmental death.
What if danger was more simply defined as anything that has the potential to divert you away from a state of balance… stability… homeostasis?
As is often the case there are many small ‘dangers’ that you traverse every day.
And with that being the case there are many opportunities every day where you have the possibility to receive the gift of fear as it signals you to the presence of dangers, big and small.
Fear could be the signal you receive to step to the side, without rationally knowing why, before the proverbial bus speeds on by, just missing you.
Or the impulse (aka signal) to go check if you turned the stove off, only to find the pot has burnt dry and is starting to smoke.
Not being receptive to these impulses can be dangerous. Fear is the signal that alerts you to what is happening right now.
Fear is your awareness!
On an even smaller scale fear may send you the signal to have fruit for breakfast rather than your usual toast. A signal that your body is out of balance and this is what it needs to become more vital... alive.
While that may not seem 'dangerous' at first, compounded over years it can be.
We’re receiving signals like these all of the time that support us to maintain a dynamic state of balance.
Dynamic in the possibility to be thriving and not just surviving through the optimal functioning of all your 4 bodies; physical, mental, energetic and emotional.
You have the choice, right now, about how to work with your Fear. It is, and will always be there. You can't cut if off or exorcise it from your body.
Fear is one of your 4 core feelings. These feelings are your superpowers and the signals that Fear provide are the fuel for your inner Magician to come online.
The Magician who is attuned to their internal and external environments, is receptive to the flow of energy and information coming in and, like an aikido ninja, can channel that energy into wise action.
Reclaiming a healthy relationship with Fear is VITAL right now.
There is alot to feel Fear about.
With it's sensory alertness & attunement to danger Fear, guides us safely into the unknown.
And these unknown times are calling us to wake up and realign ourselves to our inner Magicians, Sorceresses and Warlocks.
The part of ourselves that we have been told is dangerous is the very tool we need to traverse danger with eyes wide open.
The part of us that sees us reclaiming our own sovereignty and inner knowing so we can feel safe to disengage, bit by bit, from following the herd and create new possibilities.
Energetic sensors activated so that we may hear the signals and make our own informed choices for how we shift into this unknown and emerging future together.
When Fear is online we're all connected :: to self, other, land and sky. That's where the next wise actions exist... awaiting for our knock at the door.
Who's going to knock?
The Rescuer or The Magician?
With fierce love
Sorceress in Training
PS. If you got this far... thanks for reading!. If you're interested in some online Magician/Sorceress Training let me know. I'm going to magic something up - kinda like Practical Tips for Modern day Magicians.
“Walls keep everybody out. Boundaries teach people where the door is.”
Defence :: Justification :: Accusing :: Controlling :: Threatening :: Advising ::
‘Should-ing’ :: Lecturing :: Judging :: Criticising :: Blaming :: Unconscious Feelings :: Praising :: Diagnosing :: Consoling :: Probing :: Withdrawing :: Humoring :: Diverting
If you’re human, you probably use use some of these blocks to build walls with.
Walls that you maintain so you can feed yourself the illusion that you’re keeping out that which does not feel safe.
The illusion is that most of the time you think you’re blocking out the person, the experience, the annoying behaviour. When the thing you’re really blocking out is all that you will feel in response to letting that person, experience or annoying behaviour really touch you… to really letting life in.
If you’re not feeling your feelings then you’re starving yourself of connection… to you... primarily... and to others. If you’re not connected to yourself can you truly expect to experience true connection with others?
Why do you do this? Because when you let life in, when you let the force of life’s energy flow through you it will, at first, feel like a cascade of indecipherable and overwhelming emotion. Not something many people volunteer for... or is it?
At first glimpse there seemingly aren’t so many reasons why you would even want to open that Pandora’s Box. However, at the bottom of that very same Box is a pile of gold. The Box is also a Treasure Chest.
Want the gold… open the Box!
If you want to stop trying to do it all on your own you may like to consider:
-< Reclaiming Anger
-< Reclaiming Anger for Women
-< Expand The Box 5 day residential training
-< Community Forum
-< Private Sessions with Gero &/or Stacia
I leave you with this important message for your self...
Is it time to stop waiting in the doorway and take the next... small... step?
Leave a comment below and share with us what your next move will be.
You might just inspire someone.
You know that idea you've been sitting on for a long time now...
That project you haven’t started...
That conversation you keep putting off…
That inner voice that's been wanting to speak up... rather than being pushed down or exploding out?
You keep telling yourself that you’ll start soon… you’ll create time for the conversation… you’ll quit the job… you’ll take the course… you’ll ask for help… you'll say 'no more!'... you’ll take the action that you know you need to take.
It’s all well and good to keep convincing yourself that you you’re GOING to do the thing. But unless you actually START you’re just feeding yourself false truths. And that’s not very self loving.
To take action on anything you need a healthy relationship with the life-force energy that is the source of clarity, courage, vitality… and action. That energy is Anger.
When suppressed, Anger either implodes or explodes and the results can be damaging to both your inner and outer environments. Implosion can result in physical and/or mental illness while the results of explosive Anger are often disconnection and/or damage to self or other.
Only when you take a different course of action do you get a different result. Reclaiming Anger means intentionally befriending and harnessing this energy and using it as fuel to get up off your seat and take the action you’ve been wanting to take.
"HOW MUCH ANGER IS TOO MUCH?
Certainly not the anger that, for many of us, is a remembering of a self we learned to hide and quiet.
It is willful and disobedient.
It is survival, liberation, creativity, urgency, and vibrancy.
It is a statement of need. An insistence of acknowledgment.
Anger is a boundary. Anger is boundless. An opportunity for contemplation and self-awareness.
It is commitment. Empathy. Self-love. Social responsibility.
If it is poison, it is also the antidote.
The anger we have as women is an act of radical imagination."
"A society that does not respect women's anger is one that does not respect women; not as human beings, thinkers, knowers, active participants, or citizens."
These are the words of Soraya Chemaly, from the book Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's Anger.
What strikes me in this passage in particular is the line...
"If it is poison, it is also the antidote."
If it is powerful enough to be so destructive, it is also powerful enough to be incredibly creative and strong.
This creative, life affirming energy is from the same source. You get to choose how you ride the wave of energy that is available to you.
If we allow it to serve us in it's pure and present form it doesn't get shoved into the undercurrents and create a destructive tsunami.
Reclaiming my Anger has given me the strength and vitality to do so many things that I didn't believe were possible not that long ago.
I've walked on edges and jumped off cliffs I didn't know existed and many people have experienced their own versions of this self-empowerment.
Reclaiming your Anger is reclaiming the antidote for a life worth living.
THE CONSCIOUS TANTRUM
one of the most adult things I do these days....
I've had a couple of interactions with an extended family member in the past 24hrs that has connected me to deep layers of Grief and Anger.
Boundaries were crossed by agreements not being kept and it hurt. Words were shared that were not backed by actions.
The emotional surge came forth pretty quickly. Within it I felt both Sadness (in the form of Grief) and Anger.
In my work with feelings-based communication and emotional release I've learnt that when emotions are mixed I can't shift the energy and hence healing stagnates.
It's important to work with each emotional flavour individually. They deserve this kind of single focused attention.
The Sadness was strongest at first and I let what felt possible at the time move through. Tears flowed, snot dripped... I sobbed like I hadn't for a while.
Gero called at the perfect time and held me in it from afar... more came.
This Sadness was about my Mother, my family home and my connection to this place that has had to take on a new form due to some unforeseen circumstances.
Then the Anger came. It was big and primal and uncomfortable and I didn't really want to feel it.
I could feel the part of me that wanted to direct it to the person whose actions triggered me. What they did (and didn't do) wasn't OK. I was clear about that.
However while there was the clear and pure feeling of Anger about what wasn't OK there was also a surge of emotional energy bubbling up.
Emotional Anger connected to many other times when similar boundaries had been crossed in similar ways where I'd not spoken up.
Hence, the Conscious Tantrum.
In recognising the emotional charge that wasn't about what had just happened I took myself to my bed and allowed it to move through my body.
Feet kicking, fists clenched and pounding, heart racing, voice open... making sounds, growling, allowing whatever un-PC words that wanted to come out.
Moving it through... safely.
It wasn't directed at anyone in particular... it was probably about many things - that's not important.
It was an old ball of energy that this current encounter had gifted me the opportunity to heal and I was choosing to move it through rather than holding on to it even longer.
God it felt good. More tears came soon after then another wave of Anger... I just rode the waves for a couple of minutes.
It doesn't need to take too long to move this stuff (I reminded myself...)
Directly before this I felt sluggish, stuck, heavy and I could feel that I was getting too close to the emotional swamp for my liking. You know... that place where you end up stuck and indulging in the stuckness.... no thanks.
Straight after there was clarity and a sense of self-empowerment that I was grateful for... yes thanks.
Choosing to have a Conscious Tantrum over being stuck in the swamp may be one of the most adult things I choose to do these days.
And I decided to share this as an offering to what may be possible for you next time you find yourself triggered, filling with emotion and stumbling towards the swamp...
There are other choices you can make and other paths to take than the familiar old well trodden - and outdated - ones.
These new paths lead to new cultures where emotions help us to heal and feelings guide us home...
I'll see you there...
On Monday night I stepped into the final ritual of The Feeling Rites #3.
A journey around the Medicine Wheel holding the energy of the 4 core feelings we work with. It has always been a powerful end to the 6 week journey for me as I witness each participant step in to the Wheel and acknowledge, honour and express a declaration to these feelings that hold a whole new and powerful meaning in their lives.
This time, as we gathered at the centre of the wheel for a closing circle my tears began to rise as I listened to each person share their experiences of insights and/or transformation from the 6 weeks.
I heard that people could communicate with family and friends in a whole new way that was connected to how they felt and could land with others in a way they hadn't experience before. The tears rumbled.
I heard a practitioner share how powerful this work was and how it will serve them in how they can work with others. The tears began to rise.
I heard how taking responsibility for feelings served someone to more fully embody their adult self and and to show up more in their lives for themselves and others. The tears rose higher.
I heard how the simplicity of this feelings framework was incredibly empowering; having tools and steps to work with feelings and emotions that we feel every day. The tears filled my eyes.
And I heard how, having been to many workshops, that there was a way that we (Gero and I ) went about facilitating that was unique, different and real. The tears began to fall.
It was my turn to share now and my face screwed up and the tears flowed and I shared how I was connected to a deep sadness. An emotional sadness that spoke of a part of me that had been keeping me at a distance to my purpose. A sadness that also told me that I was right on track and to keep on going.
The thing is, it is due to us allowing tears to fall, fear to be seen, anger to be expressed and joy to be felt with clarity and purpose that seems to make us unique as facilitators in the eyes of our participants.
I want to be clear that I'm not saying we're better than, this is just our unique way of facilitating from a place of identifying feelings and emotions and distinguishing the two that supports a particular kind of relating.
I really believe that feelings are our common language and when we can show up and communicate with them it has an impact.
And... for me this still hits up against a belief that I've somehow let in that Facilitators need to have their shit together. That I can't show any emotion ( a little feeling is OK) as I'm meant to have that sorted and people may not trust me if I do.
Oh the irony and the simplicity that we're trusted even more as we model and embody what we teach.
So in hearing all of this feedback I allowed the tears to come and I shared my gratitude, and my fear of being seen and my joy that sometimes comes with tears also and it was welcomed.
Sadness is the medicine of connection. As a feeling it comes to reconnect us to self or other in the moment. As an emotion, as mine was at the time, it came with an attempt to be heard and felt from the many times it was ignored and pushed away in the past. The many times I ignored the calling of my true purpose.
The message was loud and clear this time. "THIS IS YOUR PURPOSE. IT'S POWERFUL. IT'S TRANSFORMATIVE. KEEP GOING."
It was a timely message after a tough couple of weeks where at times I was ready to let all the balls drop and walk away.
I just wanted to go get a 9-5 job where I could fill just 1, or maybe 2 roles, rather than feeling like I'm juggling all of them with Gero in fear of how many I'm dropping as we continue to inject life force energy into this infant child that is The Art of Relating.
I'm learning, as a Mother, that I chose this child and if I don't feed it, it will die.
While I'm not as afraid to let things die as much these days I'm hearing the message over and over again that this child is one to keep alive. It has a BIG gift for the world which I'm hearing through the mouths and bodies of every person who comes into contact with it.
It is time to change my parenting style however. I am laying each ball down gently and have decided to stop being a clown with the juggling act. It doesn't serve.
Instead I will place each ball on the altar and worship one at a time as I create a new solid river bed within which to allow the river of this lifes' creation to flow along.
And it's time to ask for help, to call the people in who are ready to bring this work - to bring feelings-based communication - back into the world.
As I allow this all in more tears flow, tears of reconnection, joy and relief along with the clarity and direction of Anger, and Fear to attune me to all around, as I to continue to walk this path and Facilitate with Feeling.
Stacia is a co-founder of The Art of Relating. A Writer, Facilitator, Speaker and Wisdom Keeper.